Rooted in Change: My Journey Forward

I recently made the decision to end a 7 year relationship and embark on the journey of single motherhood. This was a difficult decision that I pondered on for quite some time. After sharing about this with my social circles, I quickly discovered that many women and mothers in and out of recovery had similar experiences, and I decided that I should return to my blog to offer inspiration and insight.

Many factors come into play when making such a decision, and for me, it was deeply personal. I saw a journal prompt recently that stated, "If I keep living exactly like this, where will I end up?" As I crafted my response, I realized that I was stuck in a cycle of unmet needs in many areas of my life. The cliché idea of "the courage to change the things I can" became the driving force of my thought life. To summarize, if I continued to live the life I was living, I would perpetually be bogged down by motherhood, never to find my sense of self again. This causes a lack of ability to grow professionally and practice basic self-improvement skills. I am a firm believer in doing something every day to level up, whether it is going to the gym, meeting with a therapist, going to a meeting, spending time with friends, cooking a healthy meal, or indulging in a new experience. These simple things allow me to enjoy life in a way that is meaningful and I get to wake up each day with the mentality to thrive.

Women often feel unsupported and when we cry out for help, it falls on deaf ears. I have been told, "You got this!" and "You're so strong!" as if these 3 word phrases will suddenly revive me or lighten my load. Between weaponized incompetence, gender roles, and unrealistic expectations, women are chained to the wheel, held hostage by habit. Society tells us this is normal, but the system is always arranged in a way to fail us. I realized that if I wanted to take control of my life, I would have to go against the grain, and for me, that means providing myself and my children with a reorganized home life. I never planned to be a single mom, but there are few things in my life that have gone according to plan.

Winds shift without notice, and often work in my favor though I may not always see it at the time. This time, I can say that I am embracing what lies ahead and feeling empowered to take a hold of the many opportunities that will come my way.

I believe that enduring love is more than a feeling, and I know that I must first always love myself if I am to love others in any significant way. As I move forward, the part that calls me the loudest is my new ability to prioritize myself. To meet my own needs and support myself in a way that I have never given myself the opportunity to do. I get to follow my intuition and invest in myself deeply without steadfast weight. This form of self-love allows me to not only be an example to my children, but I can give them proper care and affection as well. As we settle into our new home, we have little but our needs are met. Last night at bedtime, my new home was filled with belly laughs, cuddles, and I even had the patience and tolerance to read a multitude of bedtime stories. The peace within me is directly transferred to my children, and above all else, that gives me the nudge I need to move forward.

My therapist always says, "it sounds like the ball is in your court but you're too scared to play the game", and boy am I tired of hearing that. Everything you want is on the other side of fear, and nobody can force your hand but you.