An anecdote.

What better way to spread hope than to share my story. I have told my story a handful of times, but I have never published it in any capacity such as this. Here’s to vulnerability!

I was born on May 1, 1997, to a wonderful mother and father in Louisville, KY. I had a great childhood and I vaguely remember being generally happy when I was younger. What I do remember quite vividly, is the first time I felt different. And by different, I mean those feelings of anxiety, being out of place, and just uncomfortable in my own skin. I was in middle school when I started to feel these feelings, and I started to experiment with ways to feel better.

When I got to high school, I stopped trying to fit in with the people I felt apart from. Instead, I sought out people who were like me. I did have a few solid friends, but I migrated towards those who liked to skip class, drink on the weekends, and spend more time smoking in the parking lot than they do in the classroom. Using substances seemed to solve my problems of anxiety and feeling uncomfortable. I could be “myself” and I no longer woke up every day wishing I was different.

Although my substance use was in full effect, I managed to graduate and receive a scholarship for the University of Kentucky. I knew I was on a slow downward spiral, but I wholeheartedly thought I could pull myself out. I went off to college and this was a turning point for me. I’d love to tell you that I graduated and did well, but unfortunately that just isn’t the case for me. I discovered other substances, and my spiral became a whirlwind. I genuinely wanted to stop, but I truthfully didn’t know how. I wasn't using substances for fun, rather I needed them, and thus began a sequence of dreadful events.

The disease of substance use disorder is powerful. No amount of love could have saved me from the depths of misery I landed in. Substances took everything from me, and I can tell you this was no result of a choice I made. I chose to take the first drink, but what came after, I would not wish upon anyone.

I spent a great deal of time in treatment centers, psychiatric units, hospitals, and jail. I don’t remember much about this time in my life, but I do graphically recall how I felt. The feelings of anxiety turned to anguish. Depression turned to despair. Uncomfortable turned to incomprehensible. I had no sense of who I was, and the reality of waking up the next day was too much to bear. I found myself at the jumping off place and I wanted it all to be over. I entered treatment for the last time on July 14th of 2017, that is my sobriety date.

In the last 5 years, I have experienced all-encompassing joy as well as sincere heartache. The feelings of anxiety and being uncomfortable still visit from time to time, but today I can be confident in who I am. I can wake up each day and know that if I trust God, clean house, and help others, my life will continue to get better. I never imagined I would be placed in this position of motherhood, but God saw fit. Recovery has allowed me to be present with my family and rebuild our relationships. It has allowed me to find a career in helping people find recovery and stay in recovery. It has given me a life beyond my wildest dreams, and I can find great pleasure in the trivial things. Not every day is beautiful, in fact, a lot of days are challenging. No matter what, I don’t have to use substances to face my life today. I have been given a host of friends, a newfound purpose, and a God of my understanding that I can rely upon in rough going.

If you’re struggling, you are not alone. This last year has been the hardest in my recovery journey, but the rewards have been abundant. Reach out if you need support, continue to help somebody, and I am always here if you want to chat!