Cultivating emotional security.

For so long I struggled to connect with others. Even in early recovery I couldn’t maintain friendships, I didn’t know how to interact with my family, and romantic relationships were a lost cause. And I don’t mean surface level conversations or casual friendships. I’m talking about a deep genuine connection with someone that continues to flourish over time. Today, my life is full of meaningful relationships with many people. I have friends, family, and even coworkers that I wholeheartedly trust and rely upon.

When I became a mother, I feared that I may not know how to connect with my child. I think this is common among women. Especially since I was unable to breastfeed, and she spent time in the NICU. Of course, I was given motherly instincts which allowed me to connect with her in some ways. I could usually determine whether she was hungry, tired, or needed a diaper change. I was habitually the one who could rock her to sleep and curb her cries. And I always spent more time with her than anyone else. I considered these interactions to be a part of a surface level connection with my child.

Being in recovery, we know that our natural instincts and desires play a big role in our relationships with other people. When my daughter was a baby, I focused primarily on her securities. Not to mention, I was in survival mode myself. As she grows into a toddler, I see a growing need to tend to her self-esteem, ambitions, and personal relations. And as her mom, it is my duty to see that her God-given instincts don’t run wild. From now, until she is 5 or 6, is a crucial time for her to learn about her natural desires. From teaching her to love her body for what it does rather than how it looks, to building confidence through risky play, to even allowing her to make friends at our play sessions. All of these things are vital to her development.

So, what role does this play in building a mother-child connection?

I constantly have to remind myself that I am a role model whether I want to be or not. My daughter is constantly looking to me for reassurance and guidance. Therefore, if I am the one to structure and model for her what properly functioning instincts look like, then I am likely going to build a strong connection with her. We have to not only take our inventory and clean house, but we also have to allow our children to form healthy habits of their own. Let me go a bit further.

When I teach my daughter to love her body, I have to love mine as well. I am intentional about how I respond to photos of myself, how I carry myself, and what I eat. When I set the stage for my daughter to build her confidence, I have to do the same for myself. If I am encouraging her to go down the big slide at the park, I have to be willing to apply for the big promotion at work. And when I support her in making new friends, I have to make time for my own social life as well. By doing these things together, in our own way, we are creating the foundation for a strong bond to be built into her teenage and adult years.

The connection I have with my daughter far exceeds the basic maternal bond. Recovery allows me to not only be present in each moment, but to also see the value in being intentional in all that I do with my child. I may not have had the strongest physical connection with my daughter as a newborn, but as she continues to grow and develop, so does our emotional connection. And to me, I believe that is of upmost importance.

My recovery wavered when I first became a mom. It took a lot of trial and error to discover how the two things intertwined. Staying in recovery and being a good mom go hand in hand, almost simultaneously. As I strive to be a better mother, I inevitably grow in my personal recovery. Motherhood and recovery are both a journey, never ending, ever changing, and always beautiful.