finding myself

I recently caved and bought a book by the name of “finding daisies” by Jessica Jocelyn. This book has come across my TikTok “for you page” for months now, and each time I have resonated with the pages shared. I am not much of a reader, so I really enjoy the short paragraphs and poems that make up this book. The goal is to interpret these writings in a way that allows you to heal your inner child, and I often tear up as I skim through.

As a person in long term recovery, there comes a time where you may realize that you have underlying trauma that needs to be addressed. As a mother, this trauma may present itself in a way that is triggering and sometimes crippling. This has been my experience, and if the same goes for you, you are not alone.

When my daughter cried, I was triggered because I remember what it felt like as I shed the same tears. As my daughter became frustrated, I tried to regulate myself and my emotions, because I know how it feels to be engulfed in dysregulation. The list goes on and the more self-aware we become through the process of recovery, the more we become aware of our traumas and how we may be projecting them onto others. Especially our children.

This book breaks the process down into three parts. The roots, the awakening, and the healing.

My roots consisted of loneliness, apathy, and poor self-esteem. I had lots of big feelings from a young age, and I never learned how to process them or feel them in a constructive way. My heart breaks when I think about the younger version of myself, because I was a bright, vibrant little girl, but I could not see myself that way.

My awakening consisted of hard work, brutal honesty, and a long fact-finding process. I found recovery when I was 20 years old. I was utterly broken and beyond terrified, and I had no idea what was in store for my life. I got honest, open minded, and became willing to do some work on myself, but I did not know that was just the beginning.

My healing consists of therapy, self-love, forgiveness, and a forever changing growth mindset. I have recently begun this journey of healing, and though it is uncomfortable, it has allowed me to become the best version of myself thus far.

After about 6 years in long term recovery, I decided to find a therapist. I have always struggled with anxiety, but as a mother, I found myself constantly worried about my abilities, practices, and emotional regulation. Since beginning these sessions, I have been able to learn effective communication, that allows me to have healthy relationships in my life. I have learned how to regulate myself and my emotions so I can be a stable role model for my daughter. Most importantly, I have learned to practice raw self-care in a way that gives me the chance to fully enjoy being a mother and even enjoy who I am.

The ability to change my thoughts surrounding challenges and setbacks has allowed me to evolve into a “glass half-full” kind of gal. It has given me the ability to see that I have many things to work on, but I have also come a long way and I should celebrate both ends of the spectrum. This even lets me see the same growth in others and treat them with grace. Therefore, I have also learned to forgive. I can forgive others in a way that allows me to be at peace and still practice boundaries for myself and my family. And I can forgive myself in a way that lets me be rid of the dreaded “mom-guilt” and move towards a productive life.

I am sure that this three-part process looks different for everyone, but it is something we can all move towards.

Healing is essential to my recovery and my ability to be a mom. If my trauma goes unaddressed, I am spiteful, anxious, and unwilling to see how my actions affect others. Motherhood is not easy, and it seems impossible if you are fighting your own battles behind the scenes.

I encourage us to find support without shame or stigma, be honest and be open about your struggles, and know that we don’t have to do any of this alone. If you are entering your healing journey, I wish you the best and know that you are about to meet the greatest version of you!