It ends with you.

As women in recovery, we are accustomed to shifting ideas, keeping an open-mind, and trying things a little differently. I find this attribute to be extremely valuable as I am raising my daughter. Recovery taught me that if I keep doing what I’ve been doing, I will keep getting what I’ve always got. If I continued using substances, nothing about my life would have changed. This idea is applicable to my life as a mother. If I continue to parent as the generations before me did, nothing will change. This brings me to the idea of breaking the cycle of generational trauma.

When we hear the word “trauma”, we tend to think of violence or aggression being displayed in some way. But that is not always the case. Trauma is simply defined as an emotional response to a distressing event. Therefore, what brings upon trauma for me, may not have the same effect on you. I am a highly sensitive person with very big feelings, so my trauma may look very different from someone else’s. With that being said, let’s talk about intergenerational trauma. This is a concept that was developed to help explain years of challenges within families.

Let me share an example. Speaking in general terms, we often see older generations struggling to deal with emotions in a healthy way. Most commonly, we have heard “stop crying or I will give you something to cry about”. This is something your parents probably heard from their parents, but it creates fear and disconnect. It taught my generation that those feelings are wrong and if you express them, there will be negative consequences. Studies have shown that children who are able to identify and express their feelings will experience many long-term benefits to their mental health and general well-being. I strive to change this narrative because I know the major role that I play in my daughters emotional development.

Can we stop the cycles of generational trauma within our own families? How exactly do we tackle such a large task? Just because it didn’t start with you, doesn’t mean that it can’t end with you.

We must parent with intention. The messages we learn as children are extremely powerful. When we yell at or threaten our children, they don’t stop loving us. They stop loving themselves. And I think it is safe to say that if you’re a woman in recovery, you have some idea as to what that feels like. We have to stay open minded to changing our narrative. Rather than saying “you should be seen, not heard”, flip the script to, “we all have a voice, and yours is important”. Rather than placing our children in time out, we can sit with them and allow them to process what has occurred in a healthy way.

We can all start by deciding what type of parent you want to be. Do you want to be kind, loving, patient, and compassionate? Study different parenting styles and rely on other moms for support. Be prepared to set boundaries and even consider seeking therapy. Most importantly, continue to work on healing yourself. My recovery process taught me to look in the mirror, because I am only in control of myself. Our children are not ours to control, but rather to walk alongside. As we strive to transform ourselves, we are inevitably going to uplift and empower our children to do the same. You are a role model whether you like it or not!

You do not have to live based on your past or anyone else’s. This life is yours to create. Your child’s life is yours to cultivate. However you choose to move forward, remember that you have the power to give your child a completely different life than you had. It isn’t easy by any means, but your child will thank you later. Keep it up mama!