Mommy defects.

My lifestyle balance has been out of whack lately. I recently had one of those days where nothing was working out. The house was a mess, the laundry and dishes were piling up, and I couldn’t seem to get anything done. There never seems to be enough time in a day and I often find that if I am excelling in one aspect of my life, I am inevitably failing in another. If I am doing well at work, I am not spending enough time with my family. If I am keeping up with housework, I am not caring for myself as I should. Juggling all the duties of life today seems to be a never-ending battle. I often beat myself up, especially when I don’t get quality time with my daughter, or my recovery is wavering.

After 5 years in recovery, I recently came to a conclusion. One being that I will never be able to balance or control my life. Sounds obvious right? But, along with that, I realized that the unmanageability will never dissipate. It simply changes. We used to stay up drinking and partying on the weekends, and today I am still exhausted from catching up on laundry and doing our bath time routine. I remember jumping out of bed each day plotting to get my next fix. Now, I rush to get everyone dressed and out the door. There is still a struggle even though I try to rely on a higher power for guidance.

It took some time for me to see the true impact of asking a higher power to remove my defects of character. Sure, in early recovery I was able to pray and actively work on my selfishness and dishonesty. It was simple and almost came naturally. When my life became abundant, I couldn’t easily do so. The day I became a mom, my defects of character changed greatly. I became fearful, controlling, and especially self-condemning. I am faced with daily tasks that continually bring about these shortcomings. So now more than ever, I have had to work against my natural instincts to combat my thoughts and actions.

A spot check inventory was a great place to start, as this was a habit that I let go to the wayside. I believe that when you consciously look at your defects of character, you begin to change in such a way that you no longer need to make amends or review your entire day. The right thought or action should come naturally, right? Well, as my daughter was nearing her first birthday, I still struggled each day to be better than the day before. I remember driving home with her in the backseat and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was letting the hustle and bustle of life get in the way of my gratitude and progress towards being the mom I want to be.

This is something I continue to grapple with, and I know that perfection is unattainable, but I have found relief in concentrating on gratefulness. I must be persistent in reminding myself that this is a life that I have prayed for. 5 years ago, laying in a detox bed, I wanted to have a career, a family, a place to call my own. I begged for the many responsibilities that I have today. Recovery has gifted me a wonderful job to show up for, a beautiful daughter to care for, and a house of my own to keep up with. How quickly I forget where I once was.

Overall, I find that my defects of character tend to subside when I am aware of them and lean on the side of gratitude. I become patient with myself and those around me, I can face adversity without resistance, and my fears tend to wither away. When you find yourself overwhelmed and caught up in the whirlwind of life, I encourage you to sit in a place of thankfulness. Remember that we are living amidst the many things we prayed for. This is it.