Parenthood or partnership.

Someone recently asked me what I think is the most important thing to teach your child. Now, considering my daughter just turned a year-old last week, I don’t know if I have enough experience to speak about this. But I have been a child before, so I took a shot at it.

We all talk about breaking generational habits. But what does that even look like? I believe it looks different for everyone, but for me, it means regulating my emotions and helping my children to do so as well. This is important because I learned through a rigorous personal inventory that I spent most of my life running on emotion. This got me in trouble, and I quickly found myself unable to maintain jobs, personal relationships, or a real sense of self. I had no idea how to regulate my emotions and I was starting to get into my adult years.

I find myself wanting to immediately get my daughter to stop crying because society says it’s a sign of weakness, and it usually triggers some unhealed part of myself as well. We’ve seen negative parenting tactics for so long. “Quit crying or I will give you something to cry about.” “Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.” Or my least favorite, using physical violence as a form of discipline. Like I said, my daughter is a year-old and hasn’t thrown her first tantrum yet, but I foster the idea of emotional availability.

This term is often used when discussing romantic relationships, which are usually viewed as partnerships. I like to think of the parent-child relationship as more of a partnership rather than a dictatorship. I seek to stand beside my daughter rather than control her. With that being said, I believe that the best way to help my daughter regulate her emotions is to be emotionally available myself. I have read many books on gentle parenting and conscious parenting, and while they are all amazing, the common idea is that I, the parent, must do most of the work internally. We know that vulnerability breeds vulnerability. If I want my daughter to be honest, open, and willing, I must first do the same.

Emotional availability refers to the ability to share a healthy emotional connection with those around us, experience a wide range of emotions, express them accurately, and respond to others’ emotions (in this case, our children). For me, this is most important, and I hope to stay grounded in this throughout my daughter’s life. Like I mentioned before, the hardest part of parenting is doing the work internally. For most moms in recovery, this is nothing new. We have strived to look at our character defects, taken a personal inventory, and stayed in contact with a higher power to get to where we are today. But parenting seems to be a whole new ball game, and while I can practice those same principles, I may need to take it a step further some days.

For this reason, I have created a sort of inventory to be sure that I am emotionally available with my daughter, and I believe this will help me in each chapter of her life.

Am I keeping conversations at surface level? Am I openly discussing my feelings? Am I genuinely asking about her feelings, and am I empathizing, affirming, and responding? Have I been honest and consistent? Have I been able to express my feelings appropriately? Was I present throughout the day? And of course, do I owe her an amends?

I look forward to the day that I can implement these ideas into my inventory, but for now, I will continue waiting patiently for her to say “mama”.

We all parent differently because we have different children. Nobody knows what will work best for you and your child other than YOU. We often get caught up in so many parenting modalities than we forget what’s important. Above all else, you get to be a mom today, and you’re doing an amazing job!