Redefining Love.

Love is defined by an intense feeling of deep affection.

When I first found recovery, I got my feelings back and quickly found myself able to love again. I loved my family, my friends, my community, and I felt a deep affection for my newly found life in general. The only thing I did not have such a profound love for was myself.

Self-love, self-image, all the “selfs” are something I have struggled with for most of my life. Thinking back to my childhood, I can remember my lack of self-esteem and my distorted body image. I can vividly remember when I started puberty and got curves in what felt like all the wrong places. My hair was frizzy with kinky coils that I always kept straightened. There were already existing feelings of “apart from”, and how I viewed myself did not aid in inclusion. From that point on, there went all self-love, self-respect, and self-acceptance.

Through my recovery journey coupled with a time of healing after postpartum, I have found a few ways to rediscover my worth and redefine my relationship with myself.

First, I had to gain a true sense of self. After giving birth to my daughter, I lost a great deal of who I was. My needs were placed on the back burner, and I stopped caring for myself. Many mothers find themselves in this position, and how we come back from this looks different for us all. For me, I had to define my values and decide what was truly important to me. This required me to spend some time alone, focusing on my work, my ambitions, and even creating TheRecoveredMama. It was hard to reconnect with myself, but once I got comfortable with my own company and began to live authentically, I found that I was excited to continue this journey.

As a woman in recovery, I believe that this idea of self-love is more of a journey rather than a destination. In relationships with other people, we find ourselves ebbing and flowing through the highs and lows. This is true with the relationship we have with ourselves. Still today, there are many days where I cannot bring myself to look in the mirror. I am a mother, and I look like one. My body has been stretched and pulled in all directions, and most days I struggle to embrace it. On the other hand, there are days where although my body feels somewhat foreign to me, I can love it, respect it, and accept it for what it has done for me. I continue to remind myself that my value is not based on my appearance, but rather what I do for others. Life is far too short and full of opportunities to worry about stretch marks and pants sizes.

Like I mentioned, every day is not going to be full of love for yourself. On those days, I encourage you to realize that you do not necessarily need to like your reality in order to accept yourself. We often find it easy to love others despite their flaws. There have been many times where I see a beautiful woman on Instagram who has the exact same body type as mine, and I think “How can I love her body but not my own?” I then look at myself and say “This is who I am today, I may not love it, but today I accept who I am.” This gives me the space to create hope for the future, allowing myself room to grow and flourish into a place of radical acceptance, in hopes that I may truly love myself tomorrow. And most times, I find that I really do.

Something else that helped me to cultivate feelings of affection for myself was when I stopped caring about others’ opinions. Along with that, I had to stop comparing myself to others. I let go of toxic people, I catered my social media to be more “body positive” and empowering, and I quickly began to realize my worth. As cliché as it may sound, there is only one YOU. Only you are capable of living the beautiful life you have created for yourself. Women in recovery, especially mothers in recovery, are some of the most powerful people I have encountered. We are determined, insightful, compassionate people who are unlike anyone else. Therefore, we may look and act differently, and that’s okay! Life continues to hand us opportunities, and we continue to make them our own.

And lastly, please be kind to yourself. You have done so much for you, your recovery, and the world around you. You deserve to be celebrated. Treat yourself to that piece of cake or that new outfit. Remind yourself of your wonderful qualities and go easy when you make mistakes. Show yourself compassion and remember that you are your best friend. Continually speak words of encouragement and affirmation to yourself and others. Become conscious of your inner voice and reframe your thoughts to think positively. This all takes practice, but in the end, you will gain an intense feeling of deep affection for yourself!