The joy of missing out.

(TW: mention of taking ones life.)

Have you ever thought about all the things you might have missed if you hadn’t stumbled into recovery? This is something I think about quite often.

I vividly remember being amid my substance use disorder, continuing to use more substances and contemplating suicide. I remember the feelings of hopelessness and despair, and the idea of living that life for another day was unbearable. I couldn’t stand the thought of waking up another day, having to face my family, friends, or anyone in the community for that matter. When I went to treatment for the last time, I made a deal with myself. If the “recovery” thing didn’t work that time around, I would end it all. I had no idea I was going to be reformed.

Today, I have gone 5 years without a substance, nor have I felt those deep feelings of anguish. But what if my journey had ended there? I would never get to experience motherhood, self-discovery, or the feeling of being a “part of”. I’d never know what it is like to have a positive impact on someone’s life and help to keep them on the path of recovery. Even in early recovery, I was 20 years old and had a few months of sobriety when I was asked what I wanted in the next 5 years. I probably kept it real short and sweet, and said a car or a stable job. I was quick to sell myself short, like so many of us do. I never would have believed you if 6 years ago you told me I’d have a beautiful daughter, a purposeful job, and the ability to be content with myself.

We often lack the ability to develop big picture thinking. It becomes easier to keep an attitude of gratitude when we can think this way. If we can avoid selling ourselves short, we can focus on our goals and ambitions, and eventually fall in line with the plan for our life. Think big by looking up! This goes back to the day I entered treatment for the last time. My best idea was to end my life, but I sat still and was given the opportunity to keep fighting. And because of that, I get to be a mom, daughter, and productive member of society. Boy, am I glad I am not missing out on this!