The other child.

I recently attended a meeting where a woman was sharing about her feelings before she first used a substance. She referred to these feelings as “othering”. This is such a great way to describe how most of us feel early on in life. A constant emotion I had throughout my childhood and into early adulthood was feeling apart from or that I was an “other”. Certainly, almost everyone in recovery can relate to feeling out of place around their peers at some point in life.

I can recall being about 6 or 7 years old when I first had these feelings of being different or like I didn’t fit in. In the 1st or 2nd grade, I noticed that I was not like my fellow students, and I began to look at the differences rather than the similarities. They were outgoing and I wanted to keep to myself. I was always hoping that I’d be sick so I could stay home and not have to be social. I was sad and pretending to be okay was a big task for a 7-year-old.

These feelings continued throughout my school years, and I eventually developed depression and crippling anxiety. I remember nights where I cried myself to sleep but I couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. I felt lonely and hopeless, and life was starting to seem unbearable. I was only 14 or 15 years old. By the time I got into high school, I discovered substances that could temporarily subside my emotions. I drank heavily on the weekends and eventually started dabbling into other harder substances before my 18th birthday. I often think about my younger self and my heart breaks. As a mom, I can’t fathom what it would be like for my daughter to feel that way at such a young age.

So many times, I am criticized or warned against doing things for my daughter because she is “too young” or “won’t even remember”. I am told “that’s a waste of money” or “don’t start something you don’t want to have to continue”. But let me tell you, I will always go above and beyond for my daughter.

Let me tell you why.

There are many reasons as to why I do so much for my child. An obvious reason is because I just love her so much and I am blessed enough to do so. Another reason being that she only gets one childhood, so why not make the most of it? But, when I go out of my way to create joy and magic for my daughter, I am simultaneously healing part of myself.

This is one of my favorite things about being a mom. Presently, I see happiness within her, and though she may not be able to comprehend, I know she can feel it. I believe that this creates a foundation for emotional regulation. Every time I see her play with a toy that “cost too much”, or we go to an event that “she won’t remember”, I am doing it for the 7-year-old version of myself who felt despair in those moments. As I start to heal, I become a better version of myself and inevitably a better mother.

Recovery consists of a thorough fact-finding process, where we discover many things about ourselves. As we stay in recovery, it is our job to figure out how to move forward and continue to grow. Having a child is a spiritual experience of itself, as we see ourselves in all that they do. For me, creating extraordinary moments for my daughter is just one way that I continue my journey of spiritual growth. I encourage you to buy all the things, take all the trips, and do whatever your younger self might appreciate. We only get to live this life one time, and so do our children.